What the CDC didn't C

Good Day Zombiology Students,

The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) in America has recently published a blog that has been gathering a lot of attention. The reason? It appears to give official guidelines on what to do in the event of a zombie outbreak.

You might be wondering if the author Ali S. Khan or the CDC contacted us at the Zombie Institute before publishing there advice. No. No they did not. And here’s why they should have:

Setting aside his scattershot approach to potential causes that includes a fictional virus and the inevitable radiation. (Seriously we humans contaminate people with radiation all the time and it never produces a zombie.) As well as his seriously abridged zombie history, where we go straight from Haitian folk stories to the Walking Dead, we can instead focus on his survival techniques.

A ghetto blaster is essential during a zombie outbreak. You never know when you'll be involved in a dance off.

It begins with preparing an emergency kit. Not a bad idea and it does include some important things. However you may wish to pack less medication than they recommend. The majority of Americans are addicted to prescription medication and therefore require a lot more of it. You shouldn’t worry too much about bringing all the documentation they describe. As you and your surviving children travel nomadically across an apocalyptic wasteland it’s unlikely you’ll need two documents with your address on them to open a Blockbuster video account. (Strangely there is no mention of crossbows here either.)

Next it advises you to put together a family emergency plan. This is a great idea. For example if you and your partner are still capable of having children you may wish to leave your current children behind or use them to slow down the zombie advance. If you do not have a sexual partner and are a single parent you may wish to take them with you to ensure the continuation of the family line. As a rule old people should always be left behind. (Unless they have their own mobility scooter.)

They suggest picking a back up place to meet in case the house is over run by zombies, like the mail box. Of course, the zombies won’t think to check a location less than two metres away from the house.  

Sorry kids the zombies got your Mother. Now would one of you pop back in to photocopy my insurance policy?

Once you have gathered your group, or have been forced to go solo after a zombie postman devoured you waiting family the CDC then recommend heading for the nearest Zombie-Free Refugee Camp. Wait, don’t you mean Free Zombie Food Camp? Gathering everyone in one place is the worst plan since World War One’s ingenious walk slowly towards the machine gun in a nice line technique. Sometimes there is safety numbers but you also don’t put all your eggs in one basket. That’s what they recommend. Pop all the eggs in and beat the basket with a big club.   

If we wear these outfits the zombies will think we are ghosts. Trust me, I'm with the CDC.

 We are left with the following sentiment, “If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak.” So worry not. As zombies stumble around devouring everyone you know and love there will be a CDC employee to hand with a clipboard directing you to the nearest mailbox.

Doctor Austin

Doctor Austin ZITS BSz MSz DPep is head of the Zombie Institute for Theoretical Studies and Zombiologist Royal to Her Majesty the Queen

See the Zombie Science 1Z Lecture –

Brighton Fringe Festival:

Tuesday 24^th & Wednesday 25^th May 2011

Caroline of Brunswick, 39 Ditchling Road, Brighton

Show: 2000 (8pm) Tickets: £6/5

Buy tickets: On the door or in advance 01273 917 272 & http://brightonfestivalfringe.org.uk/

University of Glasgow Science Festival

Tuesday 14^th June 2011

CCA, 350 Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow G2 3JD

Show: 19:00 (7pm) Tickets: £5/3

Buy tickets: On the door or in advance 0141 352 4900

Doctor Austin delivers his now infamous lecture then introduces a screening of George A Romero’s zombie classic Night of the Living Dead. 

Oxfringe Festival:

Thursday 16^th, Friday 17^th & Saturday 18^th June 2011

Simpkins Lee Theatre, Norham Gardens, Oxford OX2 6QA 

Show: 2130 (9.30pm) Tickets: £6/5

Buy tickets: On the door or in advance www.wegottickets.com